Isidor Briar Durant (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heirtothedragonsfire) wrote2017-04-08 09:04 pm
heirtothedragonsfire) wrote2017-04-08 09:04 pm
Entry tags:
An examination of value
“Emily!” I can’t help but smile when I see the familiar face and I immediately stride towards her.
“Isidor!” Bright red lips part to beam at my greeting and then kiss my cheeks as we greet each other. “It’s been too long.”
“I didn’t know you were going to be here.” It’s a wonderful surprise and I admit I’m a little nervous as I hopefully enquire, “Are you staying long?”
“Tia’s in a meeting with some of the scribes looking for an ancient technique she’s been hunting down,” Emily explains. She’s taller than me, older, but more beautiful. A master of appearance her make up is always perfectly done and not a single golden hair is out of place, even around the sculpted curl at the end. “She’ll be talking to them for most of the day, it sounds like.”
I seize on the rare opportunity. “Let me take you for tea. We haven’t talked in an age and there’s a new café that’s opened in town that does fantastic cakes.”
She laughs and hooks her arm in mine. “You know I can’t turn down a good cake. Now where is your brother hiding today?”
“He’s in the Nexus, he’s safe.” I can’t help but tack on the reassurance. The look she shares with me says she knows it’s not for her benefit. Emily has always had a talent for saying a lot without saying anything at all.
We pass an old servant whose brow knots into a frown as he watches us leave. The driver takes us from the Archon’s manor to the city. Leaving Durant grounds always seems to be a relief for her, but that’s not surprising, really. It’s still nice to see her relax. She’s always been good to Viatorus and I, and perhaps it’s because Hephaestia and I are so alike but I feel a little protective over her. At the café I get us a perfect seat with some privacy and a good view, but that’s never a difficult task. She tells me about how her work is going and waxes poetic about Hephaestia’s latest creations. I tell her about Viatorus’ latest consultation and about Ingirun. It’s a relief to be able to talk honestly about how anxious I am for them to like each other. She’s full of sympathy as she listens and offers words of encouragement.
Her sympathy only increases as she rests her chin on the back of her fingers. “It’s your turn next.”
Usually I would protest or deflect, but with Emily I can only try to be dignified when my sadness and worry shows. “After Stathis,” I say, as though that might delay the inevitable.
Emily smiles sadly at me. “I’m sure they know better than to try to make you marry someone you won’t like. It sounds like they made a good match with Runa.”
“There were so many others,” I whisper in a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “I couldn’t let them marry him. She’s the best I could choose.” Outside is raining but I can still see people hurrying back and forth. I wonder how many of them are happy. “I can’t help but think… What if I end up like Tia?”
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Emily stiffen. “I don’t think that will happen, Isidor. Tia’s situation was different. She… She felt she had to take any offer she was given. You’re the daughter of the Archon. You can choose whoever you like.”
It’s not convincing. Or reassuring. My nails tap against the side of my cup. “Are you happy?”
“I could be happier,” she admits softly. “But I do love Tia. If this is how it has to be, then this is how it will have to be.”
“Do you think she’s happy?”
There’s silence from her for a minute, and I continue to stare out the window. When she speaks it’s with careful, precise words. It’s not hard to hear the undertone of hatred. “I think any man would have been a better husband than hers. Apart from him, yes, I think she’s happy.”
I take a deep breath and turn my gaze down to the cup in my hands. My knuckles have gone white they’re holding it so tightly. “Do you think that this is a better life? Than the one she was meant to have, where all she’d know was her husband, but he might have been… nicer.”
This time the silence is longer, and when I look up at her again I find her watching me with a hint of suspicion and an edge of fear. Perhaps it’s my perplexed expression but she seems to relax a little. “Yes. We still have each other. And I wouldn’t trade my time with her for anything in the world.” I nod slowly. Every time I saw them together I caught glimpses of them looking at each other. It was as if even with all the pretence and tension those small glances were ones of peace. “Isidor… Why are you asking me this?”
It’s only when I look at her again and find her suspicion now mixed with confusion that it clicks. She thinks I’m asking on my father’s behalf. I frown, hurt at first. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t betray her like that. As I think about it I find myself calming. How many times have I been compared to him, after all? Or hailed as his golden child. I look down at my tea again and sip it. It doesn’t buy me enough time. “I was… It’s…” I sigh. “One of my friends… I’ve put him through all these tests, trying to protect Viatorus, to make him prove himself. Some I didn’t even mean to put him through, I just… did. I can’t help it. Each time he comes out the other side… and I’m glad, because I don’t want him to leave. And then I put him through even more, scared that he’ll stay and scared that he’ll go.” My thumb rubs the rim of the teacup. “He’s good to Viatorus, caring and protective… I don’t think I could have handmade a better friend for him.” Emily stays quiet as I fall silent again. There’s a point coming and she knows it. She’s always been very good at learning people’s patterns, and I know she has me figured out by now.
“And… he… he cares about me.” I whisper it. Part of me is terrified I’ll be heard by someone in the family, some acquaintance or some servant. With my head still dipped I cast my eye around the café just to make sure. “He… actually, genuinely cares about me, Emily. He invited me out to show me his world and… to ask about me. Not my father, or Viatorus, or magic. Just me.”
I look up at Emily again and find myself caught out by the sadness in her eyes. That’s when I am suddenly very aware of the tightness in my chest and the clamp on my throat. I feel bound. Aware of my duty. Restrained by an ancient pact that I agreed to. When I look into Emily’s eyes I realise that she’s seen this before, and I feel so sorry for making her face it again.
“I can’t,” I gasp and force myself to straighten, to tilt my chin upwards in a mockery of pride. “I can’t do this. I have to abide by the rules, just like Viatorus has to. I have to follow the path of my ancestors.”
Her lips bend in the gentlest of smiles and her eyebrows come together in an expression of utter pity. “No, Isidor. You don’t.”
I don’t understand. It takes so much effort to harness the sudden burst of emotions bubbling beneath the surface. “What else can I do?”
“Be happy, Isidor,” she tells me, pleads with me. “Do what makes you happy.”
“I can’t disgrace my family, Emily. I can’t go against them. I can’t disgrace Viatorus, he’s worked so hard.” I wish I hadn’t chosen somewhere so public to meet. Less chance of eavesdroppers, I’d thought, but now it feels like the whole café might be listening. I lower my voice some more. “I can’t allow myself to be exiled.”
“You’ll find a way to make things work,” Emily tells me. “Like Tia and I did. Everything will work out in the end.”
In the end. I can’t help but feel that might be at my end. To do what makes me happy and for everything to be all right afterwards… It’s impossible.
I manage not to cry and she whispers encouragement to me. She holds my hands in hers and strokes them, comforting me in a way I know no one else in my family would. The thoughts running through my head are treacherous. Every fibre of my body is electric, terrified. I am at a crossroads. Whichever path I take will decide how I live my life. Down one I could find myself stripped of everything important to me. Down the other I could become a puppet, a shadow trying to mimic my father’s legend. I don’t want either of those ends.
I was once told I was divine, likened to the goddesses I serve, embodiments of them. Their wisdom, power and beauty were gifted to me, I was told. Yes, these goddesses respected the rules that governed them, but they also changed them, when they needed changing. Some rules do need changing, I realise now. If Viatorus is safe, happy, successful, what does it matter what happens to me? Nobody can deny an Accomplished Scholar because of their Patron. If all I want is Viatorus’ safety and my own happiness whose place is it to deny me? My father will try. My mother will try. My uncle, my cousins, my friends will try. Hephaestia did her best to forge her own fate. I think I might have to do the same. That terrifies me. At some point my choice will send me into a freefall, into unknown territory for everyone. Will I be ready for that? Will I be as much of a dragon as my father, as much of a priestess as my ancestors? And if I fail… will I survive the fall? If I start this will the outcome be worth the fight?
“Isidor!” Bright red lips part to beam at my greeting and then kiss my cheeks as we greet each other. “It’s been too long.”
“I didn’t know you were going to be here.” It’s a wonderful surprise and I admit I’m a little nervous as I hopefully enquire, “Are you staying long?”
“Tia’s in a meeting with some of the scribes looking for an ancient technique she’s been hunting down,” Emily explains. She’s taller than me, older, but more beautiful. A master of appearance her make up is always perfectly done and not a single golden hair is out of place, even around the sculpted curl at the end. “She’ll be talking to them for most of the day, it sounds like.”
I seize on the rare opportunity. “Let me take you for tea. We haven’t talked in an age and there’s a new café that’s opened in town that does fantastic cakes.”
She laughs and hooks her arm in mine. “You know I can’t turn down a good cake. Now where is your brother hiding today?”
“He’s in the Nexus, he’s safe.” I can’t help but tack on the reassurance. The look she shares with me says she knows it’s not for her benefit. Emily has always had a talent for saying a lot without saying anything at all.
We pass an old servant whose brow knots into a frown as he watches us leave. The driver takes us from the Archon’s manor to the city. Leaving Durant grounds always seems to be a relief for her, but that’s not surprising, really. It’s still nice to see her relax. She’s always been good to Viatorus and I, and perhaps it’s because Hephaestia and I are so alike but I feel a little protective over her. At the café I get us a perfect seat with some privacy and a good view, but that’s never a difficult task. She tells me about how her work is going and waxes poetic about Hephaestia’s latest creations. I tell her about Viatorus’ latest consultation and about Ingirun. It’s a relief to be able to talk honestly about how anxious I am for them to like each other. She’s full of sympathy as she listens and offers words of encouragement.
Her sympathy only increases as she rests her chin on the back of her fingers. “It’s your turn next.”
Usually I would protest or deflect, but with Emily I can only try to be dignified when my sadness and worry shows. “After Stathis,” I say, as though that might delay the inevitable.
Emily smiles sadly at me. “I’m sure they know better than to try to make you marry someone you won’t like. It sounds like they made a good match with Runa.”
“There were so many others,” I whisper in a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “I couldn’t let them marry him. She’s the best I could choose.” Outside is raining but I can still see people hurrying back and forth. I wonder how many of them are happy. “I can’t help but think… What if I end up like Tia?”
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Emily stiffen. “I don’t think that will happen, Isidor. Tia’s situation was different. She… She felt she had to take any offer she was given. You’re the daughter of the Archon. You can choose whoever you like.”
It’s not convincing. Or reassuring. My nails tap against the side of my cup. “Are you happy?”
“I could be happier,” she admits softly. “But I do love Tia. If this is how it has to be, then this is how it will have to be.”
“Do you think she’s happy?”
There’s silence from her for a minute, and I continue to stare out the window. When she speaks it’s with careful, precise words. It’s not hard to hear the undertone of hatred. “I think any man would have been a better husband than hers. Apart from him, yes, I think she’s happy.”
I take a deep breath and turn my gaze down to the cup in my hands. My knuckles have gone white they’re holding it so tightly. “Do you think that this is a better life? Than the one she was meant to have, where all she’d know was her husband, but he might have been… nicer.”
This time the silence is longer, and when I look up at her again I find her watching me with a hint of suspicion and an edge of fear. Perhaps it’s my perplexed expression but she seems to relax a little. “Yes. We still have each other. And I wouldn’t trade my time with her for anything in the world.” I nod slowly. Every time I saw them together I caught glimpses of them looking at each other. It was as if even with all the pretence and tension those small glances were ones of peace. “Isidor… Why are you asking me this?”
It’s only when I look at her again and find her suspicion now mixed with confusion that it clicks. She thinks I’m asking on my father’s behalf. I frown, hurt at first. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t betray her like that. As I think about it I find myself calming. How many times have I been compared to him, after all? Or hailed as his golden child. I look down at my tea again and sip it. It doesn’t buy me enough time. “I was… It’s…” I sigh. “One of my friends… I’ve put him through all these tests, trying to protect Viatorus, to make him prove himself. Some I didn’t even mean to put him through, I just… did. I can’t help it. Each time he comes out the other side… and I’m glad, because I don’t want him to leave. And then I put him through even more, scared that he’ll stay and scared that he’ll go.” My thumb rubs the rim of the teacup. “He’s good to Viatorus, caring and protective… I don’t think I could have handmade a better friend for him.” Emily stays quiet as I fall silent again. There’s a point coming and she knows it. She’s always been very good at learning people’s patterns, and I know she has me figured out by now.
“And… he… he cares about me.” I whisper it. Part of me is terrified I’ll be heard by someone in the family, some acquaintance or some servant. With my head still dipped I cast my eye around the café just to make sure. “He… actually, genuinely cares about me, Emily. He invited me out to show me his world and… to ask about me. Not my father, or Viatorus, or magic. Just me.”
I look up at Emily again and find myself caught out by the sadness in her eyes. That’s when I am suddenly very aware of the tightness in my chest and the clamp on my throat. I feel bound. Aware of my duty. Restrained by an ancient pact that I agreed to. When I look into Emily’s eyes I realise that she’s seen this before, and I feel so sorry for making her face it again.
“I can’t,” I gasp and force myself to straighten, to tilt my chin upwards in a mockery of pride. “I can’t do this. I have to abide by the rules, just like Viatorus has to. I have to follow the path of my ancestors.”
Her lips bend in the gentlest of smiles and her eyebrows come together in an expression of utter pity. “No, Isidor. You don’t.”
I don’t understand. It takes so much effort to harness the sudden burst of emotions bubbling beneath the surface. “What else can I do?”
“Be happy, Isidor,” she tells me, pleads with me. “Do what makes you happy.”
“I can’t disgrace my family, Emily. I can’t go against them. I can’t disgrace Viatorus, he’s worked so hard.” I wish I hadn’t chosen somewhere so public to meet. Less chance of eavesdroppers, I’d thought, but now it feels like the whole café might be listening. I lower my voice some more. “I can’t allow myself to be exiled.”
“You’ll find a way to make things work,” Emily tells me. “Like Tia and I did. Everything will work out in the end.”
In the end. I can’t help but feel that might be at my end. To do what makes me happy and for everything to be all right afterwards… It’s impossible.
I manage not to cry and she whispers encouragement to me. She holds my hands in hers and strokes them, comforting me in a way I know no one else in my family would. The thoughts running through my head are treacherous. Every fibre of my body is electric, terrified. I am at a crossroads. Whichever path I take will decide how I live my life. Down one I could find myself stripped of everything important to me. Down the other I could become a puppet, a shadow trying to mimic my father’s legend. I don’t want either of those ends.
I was once told I was divine, likened to the goddesses I serve, embodiments of them. Their wisdom, power and beauty were gifted to me, I was told. Yes, these goddesses respected the rules that governed them, but they also changed them, when they needed changing. Some rules do need changing, I realise now. If Viatorus is safe, happy, successful, what does it matter what happens to me? Nobody can deny an Accomplished Scholar because of their Patron. If all I want is Viatorus’ safety and my own happiness whose place is it to deny me? My father will try. My mother will try. My uncle, my cousins, my friends will try. Hephaestia did her best to forge her own fate. I think I might have to do the same. That terrifies me. At some point my choice will send me into a freefall, into unknown territory for everyone. Will I be ready for that? Will I be as much of a dragon as my father, as much of a priestess as my ancestors? And if I fail… will I survive the fall? If I start this will the outcome be worth the fight?