Isidor Briar Durant (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heirtothedragonsfire) wrote2019-07-02 09:05 pm
heirtothedragonsfire) wrote2019-07-02 09:05 pm
Entry tags:
Paralysis
I just stood there.
I just stood there and watched as my lover and my brother argued.
There were deep marks in my skin from where my nails had dug into my hands. Staring at them didn’t help me to riddle out what had happened. I, Isidor Durant, the most assertive and proactive of people, just stood and watched as the two most precious people in my life tore each other apart. Terror and shock held me still even when Harrowheart looked to me one last time. Held me still when the door slammed closed behind me. I stood there while my brother and his wife limply consoled each other with tentative, wounded motions.
Whatever excuse Runa gave I didn’t really hear, but she left. To get some water, or make some tea, probably. All I knew was that suddenly I was left alone with Viatorus and I couldn’t will myself to move before he looked at me.
“You were too harsh,” I said. The need to speak first snapped me out of my frozen state. In my desperation I seized onto the first thing that offered me a fleeting feeling of being in control.
Viatorus frowned. “After what he said? That’s what you pick on?”
“He was harsh,” I snapped, my voice just level enough to avoid sounding irritated. “So were you. You were both too harsh.”
His brow lifted up in despair and then furrowed in hurt. “Why? Should I be upset at someone else?” My breath hitched in my throat but he carried on before I could scold him. “You have control over everything, Isidor. You know everything that’s going on in our lives. You knew he loved you. But you let him stay.”
I lifted my head and snapped, “So?”
It was such a rare thing to see that I almost forgot he could do it. Every part of him shifted. The way the light fell on his face changed him in an instant from a naive child to a weary man. A man who needed only to tip his head in reproach to make me feel the full weight of the guilt that came with pretending he didn’t know me. He knew me. Better than anyone. Almost anyone…
The voice that spoke was mature, or perhaps it was just tired. Not the little brother I was used to hearing. “You don’t keep distractions around. Especially not when you know they might be dangerous. I’ve never seen you risk anything unless you had to.”
“He was your best friend.”
“But he loves you.”
What could I say to that? He did love me. A powerful declaration of devotion that I couldn’t return. Was I in this mess because I hadn’t said those words back? Or was I right: Was this going to be easier because I hadn’t given him too much hope?
“He does,” I agreed.
Viatorus’ face twitched, emotions wrestling so violently I could watch it play out. Just as he opened his mouth I realised he was waiting for me to confess my own feelings. To conclude this terrible betrayal with my own admission. “And you love him, don’t you?”
How badly I wanted to scream the answer. To scream and laugh and take what was mine. If it was anyone else, I would have. But this wasn’t just anyone. This was Viatorus. The pain in my straining muscles reached a shrieking peak and then, just like that, an aching serenity settled over me. If I felt anything other than hollow, my brother would have had to tell me. Instead I felt cold and calm and adrift.
“I thought you knew the rules, Viatorus.” My own voice sounded alien to me. “I can’t do anything that my Scholar doesn’t approve.”
I just stood there and watched as my lover and my brother argued.
There were deep marks in my skin from where my nails had dug into my hands. Staring at them didn’t help me to riddle out what had happened. I, Isidor Durant, the most assertive and proactive of people, just stood and watched as the two most precious people in my life tore each other apart. Terror and shock held me still even when Harrowheart looked to me one last time. Held me still when the door slammed closed behind me. I stood there while my brother and his wife limply consoled each other with tentative, wounded motions.
Whatever excuse Runa gave I didn’t really hear, but she left. To get some water, or make some tea, probably. All I knew was that suddenly I was left alone with Viatorus and I couldn’t will myself to move before he looked at me.
“You were too harsh,” I said. The need to speak first snapped me out of my frozen state. In my desperation I seized onto the first thing that offered me a fleeting feeling of being in control.
Viatorus frowned. “After what he said? That’s what you pick on?”
“He was harsh,” I snapped, my voice just level enough to avoid sounding irritated. “So were you. You were both too harsh.”
His brow lifted up in despair and then furrowed in hurt. “Why? Should I be upset at someone else?” My breath hitched in my throat but he carried on before I could scold him. “You have control over everything, Isidor. You know everything that’s going on in our lives. You knew he loved you. But you let him stay.”
I lifted my head and snapped, “So?”
It was such a rare thing to see that I almost forgot he could do it. Every part of him shifted. The way the light fell on his face changed him in an instant from a naive child to a weary man. A man who needed only to tip his head in reproach to make me feel the full weight of the guilt that came with pretending he didn’t know me. He knew me. Better than anyone. Almost anyone…
The voice that spoke was mature, or perhaps it was just tired. Not the little brother I was used to hearing. “You don’t keep distractions around. Especially not when you know they might be dangerous. I’ve never seen you risk anything unless you had to.”
“He was your best friend.”
“But he loves you.”
What could I say to that? He did love me. A powerful declaration of devotion that I couldn’t return. Was I in this mess because I hadn’t said those words back? Or was I right: Was this going to be easier because I hadn’t given him too much hope?
“He does,” I agreed.
Viatorus’ face twitched, emotions wrestling so violently I could watch it play out. Just as he opened his mouth I realised he was waiting for me to confess my own feelings. To conclude this terrible betrayal with my own admission. “And you love him, don’t you?”
How badly I wanted to scream the answer. To scream and laugh and take what was mine. If it was anyone else, I would have. But this wasn’t just anyone. This was Viatorus. The pain in my straining muscles reached a shrieking peak and then, just like that, an aching serenity settled over me. If I felt anything other than hollow, my brother would have had to tell me. Instead I felt cold and calm and adrift.
“I thought you knew the rules, Viatorus.” My own voice sounded alien to me. “I can’t do anything that my Scholar doesn’t approve.”